Is it possible to feel ill at just the sight of something or someone that you despise? I think so. Just knowing the secrets I keep eats at me every day. I wish it were possible to change who I am, what I am, but no such luck in this world. There's no explanation for my actions. I consider myself a rational person, but who can call themselves rational while participating in irrational thoughts and actions? It is clear that I am bitter. No one knows the self loathing I feel because I mask it with humor and charisma. If you've spoken with me it may, or may not be, obvious. At this point I am at my lowest. I cannot be everyone's favorite person, but maybe I should working on being my own favorite person for the time being. Otherwise, I may not make it out.

It's a good feeling to be writing here again. This post isn't dwelling on past events, but future occurences. I know it's kind of impulsive to feel this way so early on, but it's different. I've found out what people think of me on first impression and it's surprising and not something I would've expected three years ago.  This has also helped with the opposite sex. Never have I met someone that sparked an interest in me right off the bat and it is very unnerving seeing as I pride myself on being unaffected by some emotion. I'm pleasantly surprised and hope this isn't just an illusion.

You live you learn. I should've known my actions would have these exact consequences. Even if it happened in another way the outcome couldn't have been anything but this. I hope that this can come to pass eventually, however I'm not sure it will. Lesson learned.

I decided today was a good day to ride my bike. I was fucking wrong. I crashed my bike and fucked up the left side of my body. It hurts now, it'll hurt more tomorrow. I felt sick when I got up after it happened. I didn't hit my head though. I think the pain coursing through me is what made me feel sick. I don't know. I feel better now. Wait to see what tomorrow brings.

I've never actually ever felt like I was done with someone. As in I never felt like after an incident I wanted to separate myself from them. It's a new feeling and it's not rejected. I've experienced this emotion for the first time. It's emotionless detachment. It still hurts to be like this, but it's too much for me to handle anymore. I need some relief. I need to put myself in a better place. I'm calmed down now, but the sting of what occurred still sticks, and it will from now until I leave. I'm done.

School is going alright for now. I haven't been able to see any particularly great grades or anything, but as far as being in school it's more tolerable. Outside of school is the better part of my day. Sometimes I hang with friends or I just sit at home. Either of these is good with me. My weekends, I've noticed, are increasingly more busy than they used to be. I'm always away. I guess it's just me wanting to pull away from my family and try to start things by myself.

Right now the way it is, it's good. I've been wanting to expand my horizons socially for a while now. I've done it to a certain extent. I've gotten closer to people I want to know and pulled away from those I don't want to associate myself with anymore. I've also met new people who I've instantly realized were better than some of the friends that I've made over the years. Not to say that the friends I have made aren't good it's just a few of them I've pulled away from because of what they've turned into. My mood has grown more serious over the past few months, but only in school because of my grades. During the weekend I let go and enjoy myself, cherishing the time I have left with those that I won't see for a while.

Over the summer I'm debating on whether or not I want to go away or stay for it. I feel if I stay I'll miss out on an opportunity to do something with my last summer as depending fully on someone else. So far I might be able to go to Europe, but the chances of that are slim to none. On the other hand I can work up some money for college going to work with my uncle in Wisconsin. I like it up there and at one point was considering going to college there since it's really nice.  But if I stay I can spend that last summer with the family and friends. But if this summer turns out anything like last summer then I'll leave. And if the way people act now is any indication then that is a very huge possibility.

I don't know yet. But as of now that's the way it is.